el pearson: unfortunately still alive

on the third day you will wake up and realize it's already too late.

you will vaguely remember crying but will not really be sure why.

some vague mumbling about how you were clean for
so
long

even though you're starting to doubt that

that the drinking was ever innocent

that you were ever innocent

you will offer them xanax and they will shake their head no.
they will not say anything until you apologize.
they will say "of course" when you ask for another one of their beers and fall asleep in their lap
again.

if this was the summer of planes
it would be love.

we play odds are that we'll move to new york together
we both say two but I said it
too slow for them to
believe that I thought it first.

if this was the summer of planes I would
scream
get help
get help
over and over
begging

if this was the summer of planes
I would kill myself

when you wake up
they will be gone
but their cat
whos name you can't remember
will be laying next to you
you both wake up softly

the little kitty turns
rambunctious
you head butt each other in bed

waiting for the xanax to kick in
smoking two joints
ashing everywhere
before finally rolling out of bed

what would you say to yourself if you knew
it would be the last thing you ever heard in your life?
I know, the answer is crying.
sobbing. trying to choke down pills.
still, what if it could be more beautiful? what if it could be more than this soft butting of heads,
burying of pills, wishing for tomorrow, wishing for tomorrow to be gone already so it can be
tomorrows tomorrow?
what if you wanted to survive?
I know, but what if.

you'll consider stealing all their pills.

you'll consider stealing the three bottles of wine on their counter.

you'll consider taking two more Xanax even though you work today.

someone will text you that they're worried about you.
you almost respond
"the dying hasn't stopped for years"
but you don't
they would just say
"stop dying"
but then what

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our lady of perpetual mistakes

desperately clawing myself from one evil to another

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once you get clean there's still the rest of your life